The perfect Christmas gift – success guaranteed
The most wonderful time of the year: the pre-Christmas season. If it weren't for the eternal scourge of modern man, the Sisyphean rock that has to be rolled to the top of the highest mountain every Advent: the search for the right gift for your loved ones.
By Strigalt von Entf*
At a time when many people can actually afford anything they want anyway (and what they can't afford themselves, you then often can't afford as a gift for them either), the niche between "I have that already" and useless trinket is harder to hit than the core house of the apple on the head of Wilhelm Tell's son.
Dear readers, you know me, I am a modest man, I do not have the very highest standards. When I look through the list of gifts I've received in recent years – which I'm sure have been carefully selected by the givers – there's a lot that's disappointing: a wristband cuckoo clock – smart, but rather impractical for everyday use. A Bordeaux from the Médoc, vintage 1988 – well, you know. A voucher for excavator driving at Jochen Schweizer – be honest: Do you see me there? Neither did the spa visit suit me, which I nevertheless grudgingly got over with. At least it left a lasting impression: athlete's foot. Or running shoes – which unfortunately oppose the health of my knees, thanks to my bent and fallen feet. With the book "The immense biodiversity of the common slipper animal in the southern Nile Delta" was at least a direct hit!
But the time of well-intentioned blunders is now over with this guidebook, which I am proud and happy to present to you. So you will find nothing more and nothing less than the perfect gift for your loved ones:
Give a fitness wristband as a gift.
Slow down. Now, before you drop all hopes because of this dubious gift idea, hear me out: This year, it's too late anyway to find anything other than an absolute emergency nail (let's face it). However, forward-thinking individuals are investing now for the future. The trick: the fitness wristband should allow you to get a view into the emotional life of the person receiving the gift: Pulse rate, electrical skin conductivity, adrenaline level in the blood – anything that reveals signs of joy and excitement should be right up your alley.
The trick: the fitness wristband should allow you to get a view into the emotional life of the person receiving the gift: Pulse rate, electrical skin conductivity, adrenaline level in the blood.
Now all you have to do is keep records of when the person in your heart buys, orders (and then receives), experiences, reads, listens to, tastes. Synchronize these times with exquisitely positive swings on the fitness wristband. Tip for advanced users: Over the course of the year, repeatedly test the reaction to small, spontaneous gifts; these may well be targeted rivets in order to be able to filter out anger, frustration or feigned joy.
Finally, feed all the data into the app "The perfect PresEntf", which is available free of charge, and let the magic of AI work. The app will write you a list of the top 50 matches that will make the blood boil in the veins of the gift recipient. And that's not all: you can tell the app to automatically order the next item on the list in time for Christmas every year for the next 50 years (taking into account the usual seasonal price fluctuations, so you'll always buy at a good price!) Decide for yourself whether you want to work through the list from the top (note: the enthusiasm bonus decreases from year to year), or whether you want to think in the long term and work through the list from the back in order to be able to add a little extra every Christmas. Keep in mind parameters like "security of the partnership" or "life expectancy". Likewise, you should be able to rely on the fact that the most important person in your life does not constantly change their preferences. If they do, however, it could be difficult for you either way.
In the course of the year, repeatedly test the reaction to small, spontaneous gifts; these may well be targeted rivets in order to be able to filter out anger, frustration or feigned joy.
In my mind's eye, I can truly see a question forming in your head now: Does this miracle app really work? After all, it's too good to be true. To convince you, dear readers, I have fed this work of art made of ones and zeros with my personal data and will now have determine the perfect Christmas gift for the discerning Strigalt von Entf as I write these lines. The absolute top prize would be achieved by Santa Claus with:
Athlete's foot ointment and orthopedic bath slippers!
Well who says it. The app even knows how to correct old missteps under the Christmas tree.
In this sense: Merry Christmas.
Your Strigalt von Entf
*Our "Feuill-IT-ong" format is created in collaboration with the two freelance writers Tobias Lauterbach und Daniel Al-Kabbani who occasionally contribute to the satire platform "Der Postillon". Under the pseudonym Strigalt von Entf, they report on current events from the world of technology – always with a wink! ;-)