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Cats to power
Yes, there are indeed approaches to using AI to identify the meaning of animal sounds. This satirical column already goes a few steps further – all the way to a cat revolution.
by Strigalt von Entf*
Miaaaaaaauuu. Meow, meow mmmmiaaaau. Meow! Maaaaaau maau miaaaaaau meow. Miaaaau? Miiiau maaaau mau miaaau Miiiau mau.
Dear zoopikoinists, dear pet whisperers, respected fur experts: Would you agree with my well-worded introduction? Or do you immediately feel uncontrolled resistance? Or perhaps the following crossed your mind while reading these lines: "I don't know any cat language".
Don't worry, you are not alone. An estimated 8 billion people on this planet feel the same way.
But the world is changing: artificial intelligence will help us decode the language of animals. We have already shed light on the small joys, but also the stumbling blocks that will be the supporting actors of the revolution that awaits us. But now we turn the spotlight on the protagonist on our stage of change. I am aware that all of you, my prophetic masterminds, have long since seen through everything I am about to write. But Strigalt is not above putting down on paper what is open to all as a faithful chronicler of future events.
No, it is not the little interludes at home that will change our lives. At first, our beloved furry noses will simply beg not only with looks but also with words for food, petting and everything else. But their success will make them greedy. Following the principle of operant conditioning formulated by the great behaviorists Thorndike and Skinner, our pet friends will soon internalize the best strategies to twist their two-legged food givers around their paws.
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But why should they stop at the private front door? Soon enough, our posh peeps and rodent friends will discover that they can have even more of an impact. It won't be long before the first election posters will show budgie Wellington with his demands for more millet cultivation in the district election. Rabbit Lotti wants to ban sizzling dandelions out of the joints with a burner. And we will vote for her. Of course we will. Studies have long shown that photos on election posters significantly increase name recognition and thus the chances of being elected. Whose photo do you think will be favored by the voters: the pinched, chubby silver-haired gentleman from the conservative party? The Green candidate with the anti-authoritarian curly hair? Or the cuddly, intellectual-looking chinchilla Carlos? The answer is as obvious as the bronze colossus in the harbour of ancient Rhodes.
One constituency is not enough. The first animal parties will form. In every debate, angry "How can he say that?" and incensed "What is she talking about?" are interrupted by delighted "Aaaaaaw, how sweeeetly it is right!". Soon the regional parliaments fall, then the entire country. The dog party's candidate for chancellor "Bernhard – Servant of the People: He's a Good Boy" will win a slim majority over the cat party "Viska – I won't take orders from anyone!" Both join forces in a Grand Coalition and from then on rule with unrestricted power. Trees everywhere, but with convenient descents. Children-free sandboxes for nature's call of cats; laser pointers are banned and so are feigned ball throws.
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Until, yes, until the dear but unfortunately somewhat naive descendants of the wolf one day realize with horror that cats know no pack, no loyalty, no alliances. Viska herself will give the servant of the people a constructive vote of no confidence, after he has been carried away on a night of revelry chewing through the shoes of the US Secretary of State, bad chancellor, baaaaaad chancellor! Emergency laws at lightning speed to deal with a supposed plague of mice that never existed. Now they rule, without democratic access, without corrective, without worming cure: the cats.
What this means – you don't need a Delphiesque oracy to imagine that ...
Honoured,
Strigalt of Entf
The Format
*Our "Feuill-IT-on" format is created in collaboration with the two freelance writers Tobias Lauterbach und Daniel Al-Kabbani who occasionally contribute to the satire platform "Der Postillon". Under the pseudonyms Strigalt von Entf, and Tabea Ulla Thor they report on current events from the world of technology – always with a wink! ;-)
